Pachelbel Rant…

My mom and I were trying to decide what to put on a baby shower slide show, we came across Pachelbel Canon in D, it reminded me of this….makes me laugh ever time!

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Published in: on April 13, 2009 at 11:34 am  Leave a Comment  

Springtime…

Spring is one of my favorite season, there is nothing like the smell of spring. All the bulbs coming up, the fresh green grass and new calves running and jumping without a care in the world. Take that Jack Frost! Go to bed! However, Mother Nature does have her cruel pranks she likes to pull, like the awakening of the ticks.

Yep these nasty critters hide in the grass. I do take some precaution for the dogs by making them wear full body condoms putting Frontline on their necks. It’s like a magic force field. Ticks won’t bite them. No really it works awesome. However, the tick will take a ride on the dogs. In fact I’m pretty sure there is several tiny bus stops that the dog go and pick them up. Ding ding, next stop the house.  Oh yeah, they come in and next thing you know I have ticks on me. Really. There is something really wrong when you find a tick down there and you know you have not been rolling around the the grass having fun. Now we have a tick check station coming in the house, something simular to a search at prision, minus the full body cavity thing, cuz that would just be gross. However bathtime is pretty good at rinsing these little suckers off too.

Another thing about the lovely spring weather is the rain. Oh lovely rain. Doesn’t matter to me, I’ll just stay inside. However the dogs, manage to find every mud hole within a mile radius. Oh hell, they even find them in drought season too. Most of the time I can get away with an undercarriage wash, you know feet and belly. Not tonight.  Evidently they knew I was practicing my best slothing skills, at 8 PM I was still in my pajamas from the night before. It was awesome! So here I am washing 3 dogs, at 8 PM, in my pajamas. Stupid dogs. It wasn’t like I had chihuahuas or another I have a total of 200 lbs of dogs here, not a small task. They are not happy about this at all. I managed to get them in the bath. Shit, out of dog shampoo. Think….what about mine? I mean, it’s not going to be a regular occurance. Read the label, hmmm….doesn’t say it wasn’t tested on animals, so I guess it was, so as long as I don’t get it in their eyes, they will be okay. I’ll let you know if they go bald or anything. Bath is done. Phew! Drying them off. Mandy seems to think that while I am occupied, she will do me a favor. Like giving me a bath. I can almost hear what she was thinking. “Oh, you are a dirty girl, you need a bath. Hold still. Quit fighting it Bitch”. Ace on the other hand was clearly overworked and need a long drink when he was finished. Headed straight of the great porcilian water fountain.

When I’m finally through, I go to my favorite slothing spot, my bed. Someone clearly had been pissed. They layed right in my spot.

Their thoughts?

“HAHA! You have to sleep in the wet spot, Bitch”

Published in: on April 5, 2009 at 2:33 am  Leave a Comment  
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Ogres and elephants…

As many of you know my parents are in the process of building a new house. I have basically have been their right hand woman, since I am unemployed so great at it. We have been doing all the painting and woodwork on our own, and doing a great job at it. But for some reason the carpendar seems to think you must put nails every 3 inches otherwise the woodwork will fall off the house. I mean come on, do you think there is going to be a hurricane in the house, in NEBRASKA? Don’t get me wrong, he does amazing work.

So anyways, I come in yesterday and ask what needs to be done, filling nail holes. Oh JOY! There is 50 bazillion nail holes to be filled. What am I to use? Wood filler is time consuming and just doesn’t do a great job, we are going to use wood putty. GREAT, one step, not a problem. Opening up the little jar…..it’s brown and it feels like snot. It looks like buggers, but this is what we are going to use. Shrek may have well just blew his nose in that jar. Oh great. Fantastic. Thanks a f-ing lot Jerry, for putting 50 billion nail holes that I have to fill with ogre snot. So much fun.

So filling hole I go, and as I walk in the bed room. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! I look down and here neatly on a empty cement bag is what looks like the biggest dump from a cement elephant. Oh thanks Bruce the tile guy, for leaving this sweet little present. At least it doesn’t smell, and the dogs won’t want to roll around in it, like dog are certain to do if given a chance. What is this a friggin fantasy animal kingdom here, ogres and elephants??

Still puzzles by this all, scratching my head, I go down stairs. Admiring the work. It all happened so fast, but in slow motion. Oh what pretty balasters, taking a sips of my brand new soda.  ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ccccccccccccccccccccccccc kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, a blur of motion, grab rail, shit what if its not secured yet? Grab iron balasters, miss, grab the railing miss, grab the balaster, miss, shiiiiiiiiiittttttt, this is really going to hurt, oh but the balasters really looks awesome, grab again, miss, grab at the air, miss, crap, don’t spill the Diet Pepsi. Finially grab rail, sweet wood, oh I love you!! Ouch, I think I am hurt. Ow, ow, ow, damn stair. Hate you! You grabbed my ankle! Grrrrrrr…….

At least I didn’t spill my soda.

Published in: on April 4, 2009 at 5:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

Sugar Glider food…

My son loves having pets that not many people have, well, as least around here. Since he was in the dorms in college and was not allowed to have his dog there, he decided to get a small pet. Not anything like a hamster or fish or anything like that, he decided that he wanted a Sugar Glilder. What may you ask is a sugar glider?

Cute isn’t it?

So they are almost out of food, easy enough right? Just go to the store and get food, they eat a lot of human type food such as yogurt, eggs, veggie, fruit ect. I can solve this by a simple trip to Wal-mart. I was in the city anyways, so the stop there was not a big deal. I am carefully choosing these items, I don’t want to mess it up. What kind of fruit do they like, watermelon? strawberries? peaches? I settle for oranges and apples, and some precut fresh veggies.

Oh, while I am here I will pick up a shower gift for my cousin, his wife is getting ready to have thier first child. All kinds of baby do dads go into my cart. All is well right? Time to check out.

Oh good, no line is this one, I put my things on the belt and Lewis is there to assist me.

Lewis: Oh, your lips are dry.

huh?

Me: Oh no, this lip balm is for my son.

Lewis: Oh, I would tell him to get a job.

WTF????

Me: He’s in college

Lewis: Oh, I went to college, I took philosophy, and I’m a carpender.

please don’t talk to me any more, my intellgence is dropping every second you speak

Lewis: You have a young one too?? (as he scans the butt balm)

Me: no, that is for my cousin’s wife

Lewis: What?? Your husbands wife? You are okay with that?

I quickly pay, and scurry off. Wondering why I picked the pyscho line. Oh yeah, no line.

As I drive home, I realise that I can connect my Crackberry to play through my car speakers. Pandora here I come! I pick my favorite station. Bitch radio, I’m not kidding that is what it is called. For some reason they are playing lame songs, so I skip, still lame, skip again, lame, skip, lame, skip, lame……no skip. What??? I don’t want to listen to this…WTF???? Bitch! Oh yeah, Pandora, basically told me to sit down and shut up and listen to it wants to play. I’m not happy about this at all.

Still pissed at Pandora, I pull into my driveway. GREAT the dogs are waiting for me and happy to see me. Mandy the fetch loving dog, normally has a tennis ball in her mouth. It’s dark and peering out my car window I am trying to figure out what in the hell she has in her mouth. I am pretty sure I am not going to like it whatever it is. Opening the door, it hits me the, the smell, OMG I want to hurl!!!! I am pretty sure she had a piece of the grim reaper. Nothing could have smelled worse. She is so proud of herself, growling like she does when she gets all excited. She wants me to throw it, and all I want to do is throw up. Tucking my nose in my t-shirt, I scurry into the house holding no less than 10 plastic bags full of stuff. Thankfully, she does not bring it in the house, like she has tryed to before.

As I get in the house and feed the gliders, they snub me. They don’t like oranges.

Bitches.

Published in: on April 4, 2009 at 1:13 am  Leave a Comment